The phenomenon of death has not lost it’s novelty to adults in a period of millions of centuries of human existence; the sharpness of its sting remains as fresh as the memory of the birth of a first child to many people of mature age. Despite its high frequency in the era of incurable diseases, fatal accidents and natural disasters in which we now live, death remains a novelty, not only to adults but to children as well, who now experience it in like manner as adults.The situation is worse in countries like Swaziland where that is a fast growing number of orphaned children called orphans of AIDS in Swaziland
With an estimated 15 million children under 18 years reported by UNICEF as orphaned by AIDS worldwide, death is no longer a distant or rare experience for children. Around 11.6 million children in sub-Saharan Africa have lost one or both parents to AIDS, often after nursing their parent(s) through the illness.
Given this situation, how does one go about helping these children including AIDS orphans in Africa and others that have lost a parent(s) through other means, to deal with their loss?
A starting point is that talking to children about death must be geared to their developmental level, respectful of their cultural norms, and sensitive to their capacity to understand the situation. One must also not be neglectful that children will be aware of the reactions of significant adults as they interpret and react to information about death and tragedy. In fact, for children between 5 and 12 years, adult reactions will play an especially important role in shaping their perceptions of the situation. With this in mind, following are ways to help a child cope with the loss of a parent.
Allow children to be the teachers about their grief experiences
Give the orphan children the opportunity to tell their story and be a good listener. Rather than just stepping in with ‘good’ advice and parental guidance, first understand what’s going on from the child’s perspective before intervening.
Don’t assume that every child in a certain age group understands death in the same way or with the same feelings
All children are different and their view of the world and of death is unique and shaped by different experiences. This view depends on their developmental level, cognitive skills, personality characteristics, religious or spiritual beliefs, teachings by parents and significant others, input from the media, and previous experiences with death. Consider this.
Grieving is a process, not an event
Parents and schools need to allow adequate time for each child to grieve in the manner that works for that child. Pressing children to resume “normal” activities without the chance to deal with their emotional pain may prompt additional problems or negative reactions.
Don’t lie or tell half-truths to children about the tragic event
Children are often bright and sensitive. They will see through false information and wonder why you do not trust them with the truth. Lies do not help the child through the healing process or help develop effective coping strategies for life’s future tragedies or losses.
Don’t assume that children always grieve in an orderly or predictable way
We all grieve in different ways and there is no one “correct” way for people to move through the grieving process. One child may be too quiet and violent, whilst another will want to freely talk about their emotions regarding their loss. Exercise patience at all times.
Let children know that you really want to understand what they are feeling or what they need
Sometimes children are upset but they cannot tell you what will be helpful. Giving them the time and encouragement to share their feelings with you may enable them to sort out their feelings.
Children will need long-lasting support
The more losses the child or adolescent suffers, the more difficult it will be to recover. This is especially true if they have lost a parent who was their major source of support. Try to develop multiple supports for children who suffer significant losses.